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Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend. This friend is someone I used to see with in my ministry work, and she wanted to take me to lunch. Since we are no longer working in that context, I agreed, and we enjoyed a nice lunch at a local Chinese restaurant. When the time came to pay the check, the waiter left it between us.

Now, when she had asked me to go, she had said that she wanted to take me. I, however, felt guilty about this, and paid the check. As I did, her face fell and she became somewhat upset. “I really wanted to take you to lunch,” she said. At that moment, I realized that I had made a big mistake.

Receiving, I’m learning, is not just receiving a gift. It’s GIVING a gift as well – allowing the other person to give and receive the blessings from doing so. By grabbing the check and paying it, I was denying her her gift, and I was also robbing myself of receiving.

Beyond that, though, I learned that I was being ungracious and ungrateful. In my experience, both my husband and ex-husband used to the grab checks and pay the bill – it was almost like a game. With my friend, I was doing the same thing. What I didn’t see, though, is that grabbing the check and forcing her to accept the situation was a power move and taking control.

Taking control and using “power over” is something I’m usually sensitive to, and really dislike. To realize that I was doing this was a revelation. I was ashamed, and realized that I was not just depriving her of giving, I was also taking a “power over” position and being overly dominant. And this with a woman who’d struggled with domineering people for most of her life. To say I was ashamed is an understatement.

Once I realized what I’d done, I called the waiter over and asked if they could re-do the bill (which they did), but the damage was done. I allowed my friend to pay, but the power dynamics had changed…I ALLOWED her pay, and could not rescind the “power over” that I had taken. Having been in “power under” position many times with my ex-husband and current husband, I felt awful, and rightfully so.

My friend, unlike me, was gracious. I apologized and told her how hard it was for me receive things – that I always felt if I didn’t earn something I felt unworthy of receiving. We talked for a bit about my insecurities – something we hadn’t done before, and I told her I’d learned a lesson. We said goodbye, and I left – and wish I could I take back the moment. I let HER know I’d learned something, though, and I apologized again – and truly did feel remorseful.

The lesson I learned was the receiving gracefully is giving a gift as much as is giving outright. Receiving allows the other person to give and to receive the blessings of giving. Receiving allows us to learn about gratitude, humility, and love – and also teaches us that it’s ok to be vulnerable in some situations. Receiving gracefully and appropriately allows equality and true reciprocal relationship – and these are lessons which I am still learning.

I’m grateful to my friend for more than lunch – I’m grateful for the lesson she taught me. I’m lucky to have friends like her in my life, and I thank them – and you – for all the lessons I’ve learned.

What seems to be a weed, may be a bouquet of blessings in disguise (image copyright 2009, Laura Burlingame-Lee)

What seems to be a weed, may be a bouquet of blessings in disguise (image copyright 2009, Laura Burlingame-Lee)

I recently had a couple of lessons on appearances and judging people by their appearances. I was on the receiving end of an act of verbal violence when someone drove by and yelled, “Fat Rear!” Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident for me – I’ve been “moo’d” (as have many of you, unfortunately), barked at, and been called “a dog.” We live in a society where a person’s worth is initially judged by their appearance – a quick judgment that often dismisses a person before we even know anything about who they are.

Glenna Peterson, a columnist for the Idaho Statesman, wrote that:

Height, weight, shape, hairstyle, dress, age, complexion – all are things we see and catalog when we look at others. When they open their mouths, we note accents, grammar, speech patterns, and make more notes in our mental catalog.

There is an old adage that “you can’t judge a book by its cover.” While external clues may give us information about the person, they do not really give us the full picture – and often we make a decision without all the facts. My mother often lamented what she referred to as a “rush to judgment,” noting the times she had written off someone, based on appearance, who on closer acquaintance displayed personal qualities that led to admiration and friendship.

I suspect most of us have had such an experience. While appearance can provide some clues regarding a person, it does not tell us about the “real” person.

She hit the nail on the head in this article. And even though I had so recently been the victim of such judging, I found myself doing the judging a few days later.

After being at my mom’s in Orem for a few days, we left to head to Idaho to visit my husband’s parents. This was a long, tiring drive and by the time we were a few hours away from Boise, we were all cranky and sticky and dirty. The kidlets needed a potty break and we needed gas, so we stopped in this little brush town called Rupert. What initially looked like a travel plaza turned out to be a refurbished hotel that was turned into a gas station/convenience store. The restrooms were outside, and so I took little Becca to use the girls room. We locked the door, and a few minutes later heard a knock – I said, “We’ll be right out.”

When I opened the door, I was faced with a large woman with tattoos, long dyed platinum blonde hair, tight “biker” leathers and T-shirt – if you’ve ever seen the “Dog the Bounty Hunter,” and know his wife, Beth – this lady could have been a much larger, dusty ringer for her. And I – who had so recently been judged myself on the basis of my appearance – fell into the trap.

All the stereotypes of bikers came up. I was immediately concerned for my daughter’s safety even though NOTHING even remotely threatening had occurred. We came out, and I smiled and said, “Sorry we were taking so long, she’s just starting to use the potty.” Here’s the thing, though – even though I didn’t SAY anything offensive, I was caught in the trap just as surely as were the young men who yelled at me.

My daughter – being the little extravert that she is – beamed up a huge grin and said, “Hi!” The woman smiled at me and said “hi” to Becca, and then smiled again and said, “She’s a little doll isn’t she?” She was a nice, friendly person and I’d almost missed the chance to find that out because of MY prejudices and biased thinking. Again, I learned a lesson – one that seem to need to learn over and over again – you can’t judge people by what they look like. Really.

I’ve heard that we keep gettings experiences designed to teach us, until we learn the lesson these experiences teach. If that’s the case, I must have a long way to go. I learn each time something like this happens, though – and I’m grateful for the lessons even if they ARE painful on occasion. So, I keep trying – I keep forgiving those who hurt me, and I try to be a better person myself. In a way, I hope I keep learning because it means I’m still growing – and I never want to stop learning or growing.

Glenna Peterson also wrote,

By looking only at the external we may miss opportunities to learn and grow from the interaction with a special person. I look at pictures of famous people who have contributed to mankind: Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Nelson Mandela. Some of them are not attractive. Others might be discounted because of gender or color of skin. But reading their words or others’ accounts of them leaves me wishing I had known them.

I agree with my sister-in-spirit here – attractiveness, skin color, weight, height, hair color, skin condition – any physical attribute that you can think of simply doesn’t matter and has no bearing on what kind of person someone is. The clothes they wear, the car they drive, the state of their home – it may give you information on how they live their live, but it doesn’t tell what kind of person they are.

I hope that someday I can be as gracious and wise as Ms. Peterson – as well as the people she mentioned in her article. At this point though – I have a long journey ahead and the road is long. And I’d better get started on that path.

Till next time, when we meet again – God/dess be with you and may your days be full of love and acceptance.

Reflections of Reflections…

Other Facets of the Mirror